I am crying as I stand over a pan of scrambled eggs. Trying not to let the tears fall in. Trying not to let my kid see me crying.
I had taken the day off work because my other kid had a doctor’s appointment, and my ex is out of town. I was on my way to drop off my oldest kid back at school when I got the call that my youngest was sick and had to go home.
I was desperate for a break— working nonstop at work and at home. And my kid being home gives me exactly no breaks. Not only that, but I had planned a date for today while the kids were in school.
On my way back from the school, I hurriedly texted my date to apologize, my heart sinking. I felt like a burden, like a worthless nothing. I shouldn’t have booked a date today. I shouldn’t have sent my kid to school today. And now everything is ruined.
I know in my mind that none of that is true. But that doesn’t matter. I have nothing left in me, and many miles more to travel before I can really rest. This is the point at which, before my separation, I would be called “mean mommy.” I still hear his voice calling me that. I still call myself that.
And I wonder how I can ever imagine that I could be happy. How can I ever think that I could climb out from under this? That I could even pretend to be worthy?
I recognise that I am sitting in a giant pile of shit right now. Even as I write this I can feel these raw gashes in my soul start to scab over, and hopefully eventually scar. I know I am not unloveable, and I know that there is a bright future for me.
I guess that has been all the healing work I have done. I can’t prevent these feelings in the first place– at least not all of them. But I can come back from them quicker and more fully. In time, these bouts of unloveableness will decrease (I hope).
I know I’m exhausted– we were all up in the middle of the night last night. I’ve been running on empty for a while. And I’m sure this is affecting my ability to handle what is, in reality, a pretty small bump in the road. But none of that matters to me right now. I am hurting, exhausted, and desperate for rest. As I see these words written down externally, I can tell that that doesn’t mean that I am unloveable. But on the inside, I still believe it. And it hurts.
I’m gonna be alright. So will you. I’m just spiraling right now, and that’s okay too. I’ll get out of the spiral soon, and carry on. I know there’s love in the world for me– and there’s a ton of love for me to give. So I will keep a focus on those things, despite what my traumatized mind tells me.
Featured image was created by the author using elements from canva.com.