So…. I took a brief, unexplained hiatus from this blog, and I apologise for that. I wish I would say that I was using it to get healthy. I suppose in some ways I was— I am definitely healthier than I was before. But I am also not much further along in my writing and my business. And that sucks.
I know that I tend to live my life in a kind of seasonality. I get really focused on something for a while, and forget about other stuff. Then I unfocus from that thing to focus on something else, and it keeps cycling like that. I think it’s because I’m neurodivergent– it feels like this is a pretty common neurodivergent trait.
I started dating in the summer. (!) It was fun and terrifying, and it caused a whole bunch of shit for me. Good shit, but shit that took up my spirit– more than I would like to give up, but here we are.
There is a seasonality to my day job as well, and I just got hit with super-busy season. That took up a lot of my spirit too. I spun out of equilibrium from within myself and within the world. I was no longer willing to take risks in my personal life or my writing life, as I needed to focus on maintaining my precarious balance.
I think my wholistic, chaotic approach to life is what leads to this seasonality. I think I have to be okay with it, because I don’t imagine that there’s a ton I can do to change it. There are some things about myself that I can change, but I don’t think this fits into that category.
So here we are. Here I am, actually. You’re just here reading it, thinking, what’s going on? To which I respond: I have no idea. This is what it’s like for me all the time. Somehow this chaos untangles just enough and just often enough for me to produce something meaningful. But probably without the chaos I wouldn’t produce anything at all, so.
The chaos in my mind is scary and beautiful and fun and weird and confusing. It also means that I forget about things from time to time, or get stressed and avoid them for a while. My progress is non-linear– sometimes it stops and backtracks, or cycles in on itself, and sometimes it jags to the right or left without warning. As I get older, I learn to embrace it more and more.
Now is the season for slowing down and reflecting, looking inward. And I am doing that. I am a bit frustrated and embarrassed by my lack of progress in my writing. But I am also aware that I am a full human, and I am here, right now, in this moment, and sometimes that is all I can do.
So to everyone who is having a season of survival: you’re okay. This season won’t last forever. Sometimes that’s what I need to tell myself. Seasons come and go, as does joy and grief and pleasure and pain. And it’ll all be okay.
Featured image was created by the author using elements from canva.com.