not broken just bent

No query updates this week, sorry. I don’t have the spoons for it. It’s not good, though. Got another rejection this week. A nice one. So, silver lining.

Also, I fully stole this title from that P!nk song, which I love (except for the super-blatant gaslighting: the male singer literally says, “It’s all in your mind”). Anyway.

This has been my week with the kids, and I got 20 minutes into my workweek before Covid torpedoed it. One kid’s temp ran high at daycare and so they were on full quarantine this week. Phone calls with the school and daycare, booking a Covid test, and finding a babysitter for the other kid while I take the first kid for the test, plus a regular week’s worth of work from home; it’s been exhausting. Now it’s Thursday morning, and I want to curl up and cry. But I can’t, because my kid’s still home and I still have work to do.

I feel broken. I blame myself for not setting us up for success. It feels like it was my fault that this week got so off-the-rails. If only I had been more organised, or more emotionally available, or wondering whether I should not have let them play outside as much, that I maybe could’ve prevented my kiddo from having a temp. The Covid test came back negative, but I can’t celebrate because it’s cloudy and snowy and everything’s still closed and I still have a kid home and a day’s work ahead of me. I know I’m not actually broken– no one’s broken. We’re just grieving that it’s been 13 fuggin’ months of Covid winning, and Covid’s still winning.

The worst thing about being a parent in the time of Covid is that, as parents, we are experiencing our own devastation at the wholesale cancellation of life as we know it. But we don’t really get bandwidth to feel those feelings, because we are on tap 24/7 to walk with our children through their emotional devastation. Luckily, with schools being open again, our kiddos can get some emotional support from being at their old stomping ground, but obviously when they are home from school they have extra grief from missing school. Again.

I keep telling myself it’ll be fine, and it will be. I’ve got some exciting stuff waiting in the wings, and I know it’s gonna be awesome (stay tuned!). It’s a weird landscape: to simultaneously be excited to follow my dreams and also buried in a giant pile of shit.

It’ll be okay. We’ll all be okay. We’re not broken. It’s not all in our minds. It’s just that Covid is terrible and life is really frickin’ hard right now.

Featured image was created by the author using elements from canva.com.

Published by amy

Coffee-drinker, money-saver. Laughs at "that's what she said."

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