this is single

Query Week 4

Revisions: 4
Queries sent out: 20
Rejections: 5
Full/partial request: 0

I am single.

I remember Jerry Seinfeld’s routine when he said, “I am a single guy. There are no other guys attached to me.” Yup. Good stuff.

I am a single non-binary person. There are no other non-binary people attached to me. And I remember Jerry’s Seinfeld’s routine about being single, which means that I am single and old.

Being alone used to be my biggest fear. I would go to almost any length not to be alone. I remember being in Junior High, doing everything I could to stay with a group of friends who were clearly only tolerating my presence. I would follow them all around the school, terrified to eat alone.

I got through high school and University, then married during my second degree. Never to be alone again– so I thought. Of course, you know how the story goes. Two kids, two cars, a dog and a house. Things got worse and then Covid hit and things got way worse.

And here I am, as alone as I was in Junior High. But this is a different kind of alone. This is an alone that isn’t desperate; this alone is space and time, and mental energy. This is an alone where I can take hour-long baths, have a nap in the middle of the day. Where I can buy a $30 bottle of wine because it is shiny and pink, and I like things that are shiny and pink, and I don’t have to justify it to anyone.

This is my new single, where I feel lonely and depressed and anxious sometimes. When I wish I had someone to give me a back rub and brush my hair and tell me everything’s gonna be okay. Knowing that these feelings, strong as they may be in the moment, will fade in time. Knowing my kids have lots of hugs and cuddles and neverending stories for me when they return.

I know I’m not alone– not really. There are hundreds of people in my apartment complex, and a dozen of them have already helped out when I’ve done a boneheaded thing like parking in the wrong spot or leaving my car running. My sister lives nearby, and I walk with her and her dogs almost every day. I’ve got a half-dozen work buddies, and I’ve got a BFF who lives in the next community over. Plus a couple of digital writing buds. And of course, I’ve got a couple of handsome zebra finches who peep to me all day.

When I stack that all up, it’s easy to see what a tremendous wall of love surrounds me. And if I can’t see it from time to time, that’s okay. Sometimes feelings get in the way.

I’ve got no one attached to me, but I have lots of people around me. People who care and who love me. One of the surprising benefits of being single is that I can see all of those people much better now.

Featured image was created by the author using elements from canva.com.

Published by amy

Coffee-drinker, money-saver. Laughs at "that's what she said."

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