sometimes it really is okay

it really is okay

If you’ve been reading my stuff (and thank you for that!), you’ll know that I have depression and anxiety. It’s not awesome most of the time.

I get so used to things being not awesome that I forget that sometimes things can be, you know, awesome. Sometimes there really isn’t anything to be worried about, and sometimes that reality sinks through my friggin’ thick skull and into my consciousness.

There comes a point at which you have experienced so much anguish, trauma, and stress that it becomes a way of life. It seeps into your essence, and becomes part of you. You find yourself looking for the trauma in every moment: Who’s upset at me? What am I doing wrong? What will come back to bite me in the ass? Who’s gonna yell at me next?

It’s like a blackhead on your skin. Given space and time, the yucky stuff can work its way out, but you often you don’t notice it’s there, and you don’t really notice when it’s gone. But then you look at your face and notice your complexion’s cleared up. Your whole being has lightened with no longer carrying the weight of all your unhealed traumas.

One day, you realise you’re no longer asking yourself these questions. And then you notice that you’ve gone several days without asking them. Then a week. And then when those questions do crop up, they start sounding weird. Like, what is this chattering noise at the back of my brain? What is this nonsense?

After a while, you’re smiling– really smiling; not the fake-ass smile when your brain’s in a million different places. But really smiling. And you’re laughing. Shit gets heavy every so often and your mind asks you those bullshit questions again. Then those thoughts drift away and things are okay.

After a while the scales tip. The questions become part of the minority, part of the noise in the background of your regular awesome life. You can bat them away easily, like a noisy mosquito in the night.

You are here. You are the dreams of your ancestors. And you are all right. It will be okay. I promise.

Featured image was created by the author using elements from canva.com.

Published by amy

Coffee-drinker, money-saver. Laughs at "that's what she said."

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